Another year down (almost)
T-minus two weeks until my birthday and honestly, I'm not even sure that being 21 has fully sank in. Unlike Taylor Swift, I'm not quite feeling 22 (we'll see in a couple weeks) and I'm not sure that everything will be alright. Time has gone by so quickly and I just know soon I'll be graduating and have no idea what I'm doing with my life. I want there to be more than this to life, and I know that my life will probably not be that way. I will succumb to the average American lifestyle and probably get married by 25 and live in a constant cycle of wanting more. Every day that passes I find myself wanting to wait to get married and start a family more and more because I want to enjoy my 20s first. My sister got married right out of college, and let's be honest she settled (if you know, you know). Don't get me wrong, I'm glad she's happy being married and still living in our hometown, but I'm realizing that's not what I want. I don't want to spend my life in Ohio let alone Mount Vernon.
Growing up, I always tried to compete with my sister in terms of making my parents proud, but let's be honest I'm going into an art field and she is a nurse– that competition was lost a long time ago. I want to do what makes me happy, and not feel like I have to prove myself to others consistently. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I do things to make people happy, and I don't want to anymore. I think the reason we fall into the cycle of waking up, going to work, coming home, sleeping and repeating is because we're told that's what we have to do. Which yes, to have a stable income that may be true, but I think even with that there could be more. I would love to have a stable income and still be able to travel and do what I want. It pains me to think I may never feel truly happy or fulfilled in my life with the mundane. I'm beginning to think that being the "cool aunt" wouldn't be that bad, much to my mother's dismay.
This is a big mood. I'm also an artist who is about to graduate and doesn't want to get stuck in Ohio. I do musical theater and my industry is literally shut down for the foreseeable future, but I know I want to still get out of Ohio and move to a city (even if it isn't New York City right away) after I graduate. Getting older and getting ready to graduate college is an extremely weird thing and also makes me think about the meaning of life, and the feeling of wanting more. For me, I just have to focus on what makes me happy and pursuing that. I think life doesn't have inherent meaning. I think we assign it meaning through the beautiful experiences we have and the courage it takes to form our own paths in this world. Happy early birthday, girlie! I'd be happy to talk more about stuff like this whenever!
ReplyDeleteI relate to this SO MUCH! I am already freaking out about graduating because I am not ready to actually start my life. The absolute last thing I want to do is move back to my hometown and live with my parents, but I fear I will have to in order to save money. I dream of a life on my own, living in a different city (hopefully even a different country), but it feels like I will never get there. I want to focus on myself and what makes me happy rather than being constantly worried about what everyone else thinks of me. Also, my older brother and his girlfriend are the exact same way. I hate having their gross relationship in my face. No one cares. I have already braced my mom for the disappointment of having ugly grandchildren (from my brother) by consistently making it clear I never want to get married or have children. The "cool aunt" route definitely seems more my speed.
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